The first time I rode a roller coaster was when I was 9. My family and I went to Six Flags and my mom asked if I wanted to go on a roller coaster. I told her yes but I didn't want to go on one were you went in a circle and upside down. She said there was only one that didn't have any but it was one made out of wood so it would probably be more bumpy than the ones made out of metal. I told her I still wanted to go on, so we started walking to where the roller coaster was.
When we got to the roller coaster the line wasn't that long. While waiting with my mom in line I could hear the people on the ride yelling. When ever the roller coaster went by it sounded like someone opening a door with squeaky hinges. After about ten minutes of waiting in line it was finally our turn. When I sat down in the seat my heart started beating really fast like I had just finished runing two miles.
The very first part of the ride was the part where you go up a steap hill and then go down it. When we were going up my hands got sweaty and warm. When we were going down I could feel the wind blowing my hair back and my cheecks getting cold. Then, when we were all the way down I was smiling because my stomach felt like it was being tickled.The rest of the ride was very fun but there wasn't any other parts like the beginning of the ride.
At the end of the ride when my mom and I were getting off she asked me how I liked it. I told her, with a smile on my face that it was super fun and that I would want to go on it again.
Warm: Great deal of showing only when you were on the ride.
ReplyDeleteCool: The story was mainly telling. Also add an anecdote for a better story.
I agree with Dion that you showed when you were on the ride. But i think you should add some dialogue with your mom and that way you could express more feeling. I like your beginning paragraph when you were talking in very descriptive detail how you felt on the ride.
ReplyDeleteWarm: I really liked your detail on the roller coaster scene.
ReplyDeleteCold: you could add some dialouge and be more expressive with your feelings.